Blog Archives
You’re a lovely guy… but…
As a single man I dread those four little words. They seem to be the standard prefix to the word “but” followed by a reason they can’t/don’t want to date you. I can’t even begin to remember all the various versions I’ve heard. Here are just a few:
- You’re a lovely guy BUT you’re not my type
- You’re a lovely guy BUT we’re in different places
- You’re a lovely guy BUT you live too far away
- You’re a lovely guy BUT I already have a boyfriend
- You’re a lovely guy BUT I’m not looking for anything right now
…and of course… - You’re a lovely guy BUT you’re HIV+
After a while you start to wonder whether people even mean it when they say “You’re a lovely guy”, or is it just a conversational reflex? A way of trying to cushion the rapidly approaching bad news or perhaps make themselves feel better about the information they’re about to impart? I even found myself about to say it last night – I caught myself just in time but hated myself a little for almost saying it.
It never ceases to amaze me the number of rude/obnoxious/unpleasant guys who’re in relationships (or at the very least getting laid) whilst the more genuine and personable amongst us are left on the scrapheap. Perhaps I’m doing something wrong? Perhaps I should be less “lovely”? Truth be told I’m not sure I can change this far on in life – I’m stuck in lovely mode. Lovely but lonely.
*shakes fist*
Tom
UKPositiveLad
Sorry for being quiet…
Hi Guys,
I know i’ve not posted in a while, sorry about that. Things have been a bit topsy turvy this end.
Firstly I got ill, ended up with a severe bout of the flu which resulted in me collapsing and hospitalisation – it took me a while to recover from that one. Then I was busy preparing for an interview for a “dream job” which I subsequently didn’t get. After that I fell into a bit of a depressive pit, and just as I was starting to come back out of it I found out that a friend from London had died which threw me right back into my hole of despair.
Nearly two weeks later now things are starting to look up again, I’m going to take a week to go visit some friends on the continent and I’ve started the job hunt again. I can’t help but think that all of this would have been so much easier if I’d had someone at my side, to hold my hand and give me cuddles – being single sucks, but hey that’s where I’m at right now.
In the next week or two the latest edition of Attitude Magazine will be out, with my interview of Edo Zollo – an amazing photographer who’s built a project around HIV across the UK, so watch out for that. I’ve also got some interesting collaborations with Gaydar coming up – but I can’t say any more than that.
Sorry it’s a bit of a depressing post, but I always said this blog would show the ups and the downs. Hopefully next time you hear from me it’ll be about something more positive (if you’ll pardon the pun).
Look after yourselves,
Sam
UKPositiveLad
Does HIV status matter when dating someone?
This is just a quick poll, in two parts, to help me with a new post I’m writing.
If you could please fill in the appropriate poll honestly I would really appreciate it. All responses are anonymous.
Thank you in advance,
Sam
UKPositiveLad
If you're HIV NEGATIVE, would you have a problem dating someone who was HIV positive?
- Yes, I couldn't date someone who was HIV positive (51%, 232 Votes)
- No, their HIV status doesn't matter to me. (49%, 227 Votes)
Total Voters: 459
Loading ...If you're HIV POSITIVE, would you have a problem dating someone who was HIV negative?
- No, their HIV status doesn't matter to me. (74%, 125 Votes)
- Yes, I couldn't date someone who was HIV negative. (26%, 44 Votes)
Total Voters: 169
Loading ...The Disclosure Rollercoaster
Two blog posts in one week? I know, I’m spoiling you, but read on…
Possibly the single biggest issue for me about being HIV+ isn’t my health, the medication etc, it’s actually the rejection that you can face when you tell someone your status.
One of the first people I ever disclosed my status to was a holiday romance. We’d been hanging out for a couple of days, drinking, swimming, holding hands etc, all very romantic. One afternoon I got a text asking me to spend the night with him at his hotel, I thought it only fair that I tell him my (fairly recently found) HIV status. That was one of the most difficult texts I ever had to send not just from my nervous clammy hands or the heart beating in my mouth.
He replied shortly saying that he was “OK with it”, but at the same time said that we’d have to postpone the night at the hotel because of plans with his friends. That was the last time we ever had a proper conversation. I tried chatting to him a couple of times after that, mostly he just ignored my calls/texts – the final time he answered but pretended to be someone else. I’d been well and truly rejected. Gutted.
Since that day I’ve had a policy of telling people I plan to sleep with/date as soon as possible. If someone messages me on Gaydar/Grindr asking for a fuck I have no problem saying right up front “By the way, I’m HIV+. I hope that’s not an issue?”. But as I found out last night it’s still pretty nerve-wracking telling someone you have feelings for.
Last night I agreed to go on a date with someone I’ve been talking to for a while. He’s very handsome, totally buff and a bit shorter than me. Amazing. Then it dawned on me that I was going to have to tell him. I decided to do it then and there, seeing as we were already chatting.
I said “In the spirit of openness and honesty I need to share something with you. Plus it saves us both heartache if it’s something you feel you can’t handle. Please be honest with me either way. I’m HIV positive”. Cue a ridiculously long wait. Why wasn’t he replying? Was it too much? Fuck, fuckity fuck.
He *eventually* replied “Hey, don’t stress about it. My ex had it, and we were together five years”. Overjoyed. He was absolutely fine with it and thanked me for being so honest. We’ve even planned our date for this Monday night coming.
Disclosing your status isn’t an easy thing to do, no matter how readily we might do it. All that we ask is that the people we tell are honest with us. If you’re uncomfortable being with someone that’s HIV+ then tell us (nicely!), we’d much rather that than being lied to – then ignored.
Yours Hopefully,
Sam
UKPositiveLad
My Grindr Experiment
In my previous post I talked about my use of technology to aid my quest for love. Dating technology has evolved over time; from dating agencies and singles ads in newspapers, onto phone chat lines, texting services and onto dating/hook-up websites (such as gaydar, fitlads, manhunt etc). The latest technology to be adopted for this purpose is the smartphone – there are countless apps promising to help you find love, make friends or just get a little action.
The most popular one of these (amongst the gay community at least) is Grindr. For those of you who are unfamilar with Grindr – you create a profile with your stats, add a photograph and a short welcome message and in return Grindr shows you other guys logged in near your location by use of GPS. You can message the guys, swap pictures etc. All very cool. I’ve been on Grindr since it was launched. I’ve always been at the cutting edge, trying new apps and gadgets as soon as they come out. My profile has remained largely the same, my age has changed with the years and my photograph has been updated a few times.
I started wondering last weekend (25th Feb 2012) what kind of responses someone would get if their profile said that they were HIV+. So I created myself a second profile on Grindr, almost identical to mine in (but different enough to look like a different person), still looking for “Friends, fun and dates” – but this time I mentioned my HIV status in the profile text.
Over the course of the week (25 Feb – 03 Mar) my existing profile received messages from 74 users. On the other hand my (almost identical) profile that mentions my HIV status had 11 people message it. Four of those eleven messaged purely to ask me questions about HIV and one felt it necessary to send me foul mouthed abuse for seemingly no reason. Which leaves me with six people actually showing an interest in me.
Let’s look at that for a second shall we? That’s a 92% reduction in interest purely by mentioning my HIV status. It was this realisation that led to a few miserable tweets on Saturday night, sorry if you had to put up with those. I thought we were really making progress. The more things change eh?
Best,
Sam
UKPositiveLad
I have HIV, I’m not “dirty”…
Like a lot of single people of my generation, especially gay men, I use the Internet to meet other single people for dates. It fits in well with my busy life. A message here, a chat there, and once in a while it’ll turn into a drink or a meal.
There’s a dizzying array of jargon out there in the online dating world: GWM, GAM, GSOH, WLTM, LTR and VWE to name just a few. A couple that have recently entered my consciousness are DDF and “clean”.
DDF stands for ‘Drug and Disease Free’ – I resent that just because I have HIV that I should be lumped in with recreational drug takers. Drug taking is illegal and a choice, I did not choose to be HIV positive nor is it illegal.
Clean. I’ve been asked a few times lately “Are you clean?” and I’m never sure quite how to answer “Well, I had a shower this morning.” would seem a sensible reply. But apparently this is a cloaked way of asking my HIV status. So by being HIV positive this seems to infer that I’m the opposite of clean, which would be dirty.
I find both these terms inaccurate (I’m a very clean person, almost obsessively so) and offensive. I’m not stumbling through the streets with Smallpox here, killing your grandparents, nor am I lurking in some alleyway shooting drugs into my arms. I have a virus which is well managed with medication and prevented with condoms.
How about, instead of pussyfooting around the subject and ending up offending me by likening me to a plague victim or a crack-addict, you just ask me what my HIV status is? Be straight with me and I’ll be straight with you.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for shower…
Love and respect,
Sam
UKPositiveLad
What’s that? Single again…
So it was only three days ago I was blogging about my Valentines Day Hope, and here I am three days later minus one boyfriend. You couldn’t make this stuff up really could you?
I don’t know if blogging about it “jinxed it” in any way, I’m not sure I even believe in jinxing/luck/fate/destiny etc but the timing couldn’t really be any worse either way. One day you blog about your love for a guy, and how it’s giving you hope for the future, and the next day he breaks up with you via text message.
So what happened? Basically our three month relationship had shifted largely to me supporting him emotionally, whilst he (on his much much larger salary – and unrequested by myself) spoiled me to keep me supporting him. It’s strange how you never see this stuff at the time. I felt uncomfortable with the constant gifts and guilty that I couldn’t reciprocate in kind, and it came to a head on Wednesday when it was made clear to me that my home-cooked candlelit dinner and card “wouldn’t cut it” and that because I wasn’t buying him things that I clearly didn’t care for him.
I asked to take a day’s space so we could consider the situation, and what we’d do going forwards. The next day I received a text telling me that I wasn’t a “suitable” boyfriend, and that it was over. Followed by several incredibly abusive texts including ones deriding my appearance.
The worst one however, was when he used my HIV status to mock me (not a first for my ex’s). He’d always been very supportive of me throughout our relationship but apparently now he’d stop caring it was OK to say “I can have any guy I want – especially as I’m HIV negative!”. That’s something I cannot and will not ever forgive. It has shown him to be way more immature than I ever thought was possible, and I feel saddened for him that he felt he had to stoop to that level.
So now I’m single, again, but this time around I don’t mind. I’m in a better place than I was three months ago, things are happening in my life and I’ve got a great group of friends around me, and do you know what, that last paragraph from my Valentine’s Day post:
It gives me hope, not just for me, but for everyone else out there, that if this mess of a person can find love again, then so can anyone. So if you’re sat reading this, feeling sorry for yourself today, STOP. There’s always hope. You never know what’s just around the corner. You might just surprise yourself.
I still believe that. I still hold that dear to me. There is now, and always will be hope. The world keeps turning, and I keep smiling.
Happy Friday boys and girls,
Sam
UKPositiveLad
Valentine’s Day Hope
Hi Guys,
I know it’s clichéd, but today’s post is about Valentines Day, and the feeling of hope it has given me. So bear with me.
In the last year or so I’ve managed to lose my job, break up with a long term boyfriend, lose my home and become HIV positive – which, as you can imagine left me in somewhat of a mess, both emotionally and practically. Even before my HIV diagnosis I didn’t think my love life had much hope, then once I was diagnosed I resigned myself to being single forever – being unemployed and living back with your family in your twenties isn’t terrible aluring either.
In late November I met someone rather special, someone who makes me feel like I’m worth bothering with, someone who, even though they’re HIV negative, doesn’t seem my HIV status as a barrier to us being together and someone I care for a great deal.
It gives me hope, not just for me, but for everyone else out there, that if this mess of a person can find love again, then so can anyone. So if you’re sat reading this, feeling sorry for yourself today, STOP. There’s always hope. You never know what’s just around the corner. You might just surprise yourself.
Love to all of you,
Sam
UKPositiveLad
New Year, New Me?
Hello hello, pull up a seat. Biscuit? No? Probably wise.
Welcome to 2012, and my first blog post in this the olympic jubilee year.
January, I find, is always a time of year spent in reflection. Looking back on the previous year, identifying your mistakes, trying to work out how to avoid them and make the coming year better than the one that has just gone. This January has been no different.
In 2011 I managed to:
- Lose my job
- Become HIV+
- Have my HIV status “outed”
- Crash my car
- Have a relationship end in a rather unpleasant way.
So I’ll have to do doing pretty well to have a year worse than that really won’t I? In fairness there were some great parts to 2011 as well, especially when it came to making new friends and spending more quality time with my existing ones.
Like most people I’ve set myself a few goals or “resolutions” for the new year and unlike most years I think that last year actually has given me the kick up the arse that I need to set some of them into motion. I spent too much of 2011 worrying about other people and keeping my head down to actually enjoy life and put me first.
- Get Fit: I know this will probably feature on quite a lot of your resolutions, and it’s a noble one. But it’s never been as important to me as it is now, as a HIV+ man I need to take much greater care of my body, this means joining a gym and cutting down on the junk food.
- Better career, Better house: After I lost my job in 2011 I found employment again quite quickly, which I know makes me very lucky, but I don’t necessarily enjoy my job all that much. So I’m going to make a concerted effort to seek out a wonderful new job in the next couple of months. The same goes for where I’m living, it’s alright – but it’s not me. I need to be out of the suburbs and in the middle of the action, and I’m hoping I can get the ball rolling on this sooner rather than later.
- Find a decent man: When I first was mulling over these resolutions a few weeks ago I was single, proper Bridget Jones single, desperate and dateless if you will. But only in the the last week or so I’ve actually found someone rather special. He doesn’t care about my past or my HIV status. It’s very early days, but I’ve got a good feeling about this one.
As I look out of my tiny office window there’s a warm sunny glow reflecting off the buildings, and for the first time in quite a while I’m actually feeling positive about my future. My life may never be perfect but I can certainly make it great – it’s in my hands.
Sam
UKPositiveLad
HIV and Me: How my life has changed so far
Hey guys,
Hope you’re having a good Monday. I’ve gone and written a guest blog post for Lady Laid Bare’s blog about my life with HIV, and how it’s changing the way I live my life in a number of ways, please go and have a read, let me know what you think.
Have a great week.
Sam
UKPositiveLad